Cucumbers were invented by Madeline McCucumber in 1847. It's a common misconception that it was her husband, John McCucumber, that invented the cucumber, but that simply isn't true. As clearly stated by Saint Robert Thomas Peter Junior the Second, "John McCucumber absolutely did not invent the Cucumber, or my name isn't Robert Thomas Peter Junior the Second!". This quote is from 1864, before Saint Robert Thomas Peter Junior the Second died, and a full 59 years before he would be made saint in 1948 AD. So, as you can obviously tell, this information clearly puts to rest the notion that cucumbers were invented by John McCucumber. Disagree? Fight me.

A cucumber is a vegetable with green skin on its outside and lots of tasty yummy solid stuff inside. Thankfully, during the great Deboning of 1246, cucumbers had all of their bones removed, making them much nicer to eat. Chomp!

Yes! They can hear your thoughts too - just as well they can't talk, or you'd be in trouble!

No, why would you do that? Cucumbers are mainly water, so by boiling a cucumber, you'd just make all the minerals and juicy yummy goodness inside of the cucumber leave the cucumber. Plus, it'd get all mushy, so unless you're some little embryotic infant baby fucker that has to be spoonfed all of their food, you'd just be ruining a perfectly good cucumber. Unless you don't like cucumbers - good's subjective I suppose. Actually no it isnt! im in charge of what's good and what isn't - if you didn't agree, you wouldn't be here, would you?

Pretty much. I made all of it up since I actually invented cucumbers - why would I be so specific that it was Madeline McCucumber if that wasn't me? QED.

There is roughly 816 calories in one cucumber. They're also a good source of protein!